That Samuel Clements (Mark Twain) was the first great humorous keynote
is without question. This wonderful little piece showcases much of what made
this man a great, motivational, funny keynote speaker. He is serious: He is witty:
He is loving and above all he is just downright funny. This speech is also interesting
because it helps the budding humorous keynote business speaker to understand
the importance of pausing and preparation. Almost all of Twains "extemporaneous"
speeches were scripted and rehearsed - the essence of a quality humorous keynote
business speaker. The inserted notations interspersed in this speech are from this
first great humorous keynote speaker himself. ENJOY!

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WOMAN-AN OPINION

          ADDRESS AT AN EARLY BANQUET OF THE WASHINGTON
          CORRESPONDENTS' CLUB

          The twelfth toast was as follows: "Woman--The pride of any
          profession, and the jewel of ours."

MR. PRESIDENT,--I do not know why I should be singled out to receive the
greatest distinction of the evening--for so the office of replying to the
toast of woman has been regarded in every age. I do not know why I have
received his distinction, unless it be that I am a trifle less homely
than the other members of the club.  But be this as it may, Mr.
President, I am proud of the position, and you could not have chosen any
one who would have accepted it more gladly, or labored with a heartier
good-will to do the subject justice than I--because, sir, I love the sex.
I love all the women, irrespective of age or color.

Human intellect cannot estimate what we owe to woman, sir.  She sews on
our buttons; she mends our clothes; she ropes us in at the church fairs;
she confides in us; she tells us whatever she can find out about the
little private affairs of the neighbors; she gives us good advice, and
plenty of it; she soothes our aching brows; she bears our children--ours
as a general thing.  In all relations of life, sir, it is but a just and
graceful tribute to woman to say of her that she is a brick.

Wheresoever you place woman, sir--in whatever position or estate--she is
an ornament to the place she occupies, and a treasure to the world. [Here
Mr. Clemens paused, looked inquiringly at his hearers, and remarked that
the applause should come in at this point. It came in. He resumed his
eulogy.]  Look at Cleopatra! look at Desdemona!--look at Florence
Nightingale!--look at Joan of Arc!--look at Lucretia Borgia!
[Disapprobation expressed.]  Well [said Mr. Clemens, scratching his head,
doubtfully], suppose we let Lucretia slide.  Look at Joyce Heth!--look at
Mother Eve!  You need not look at her unless you want to, but [said Mr.
Clemens, reflectively, after a pause] Eve was ornamental, sir
--particularly before the fashions changed.  I repeat, sir, look at the
illustrious names of history. Look at the Widow Machree!--look at Lucy
Stone!--look at Elizabeth Cady Stanton!--look at George Francis Train!
And, sir, I say it with bowed head and deepest veneration--look at the
mother of Washington!  She raised a boy that could not tell a lie--could
not tell a lie!  But he never had any chance.  It might have been
different if he had belonged to the Washington Newspaper Correspondents'
Club.

I repeat, sir, that in whatever position you place a woman she is an
ornament to society and a treasure to the world.  As a sweetheart, she
has few equals and no superiors; as a cousin, she is convenient; as a
wealthy grandmother with an incurable distemper, she is precious; as a
wetnurse, she has no equal among men.

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman?  They would be
scarce, sir, almighty scarce.  Then let us cherish her; let us protect
her; let us give her our support, our encouragement, our sympathy,
ourselves--if we get a chance.

But, jesting aside, Mr. President, woman is lovable, gracious, kind of
heart, beautiful--worthy of all respect, of all esteem, of all deference.
Not any here will refuse to drink her health right cordially in this
bumper of wine, for each and every one has personally known, and loved,
and honored the very best one of them all--his own mother.